I’ve been in struggling through a season lately. It’s been a unique kind of struggle. Almost an out-of-body-expereince kind of struggle, you know?
A few months ago, one particular choice arose in my life, and i made the wrong decision. I felt and dealt with the consequences of that choice. (It’s crazy the choices you can make that you never would’ve thought you’d make.) It is one humbling experience, when you are forced to come face to face with the dark corners of your heart, the places you don’t even realize are there. I’ve been in a season of learning, of having my eyes focused on those dark places of my heart, of wrestling with Jesus over things and people that I didn’t want to give up, all the while feeling Him gently nudging me to let them go. To readjust my focus and grip to Him.
Then, I thought I was in the clear. I decided I had learned my lesson, that I was good. (It’s funny how often I can convince myself that I can fit God’s lessons and plans in a tiny little box…) Needless to say, out of the blue, those dark corners started getting more attention again. All of a sudden, I was faced with the SAME decision that I had chosen wrongly on just a few short months beforehand. Literally the exact same choice! The ironic part? I was actually torn over what to do this time. When if you had asked me a week beforehand, far removed from the situation, I would’ve confidently told you “I’ll never do that again”, at this point, knee deep in the situation, I wanted to give it another chance. I fully understood what the right thing to do was, but the wrong choice was just oh-so tempting. I wanted to play with fire, but this time I would hold the fire a little farther away to see if I could avoid getting burnt (you’re welcome for the lame reference to proverbs).
But something was different this time. I just could not avoid the truth of the situation. I spent 5 days in a full fledged wrestling match with Jesus. I was coming to Him looking for, practically begging for an excuse to go against His word. The previous time, I was avoiding Him at all costs, because I knew I was making a mistake. This time, I was putting myself at His feet. I wanted to be close to Him. I chose to stay at His feet. I chose to be faithful to the covenant I made with him a few years ago. I decided to take another shaky step towards His voice, begging Him to be worth it. I dodged a bullet y’all. It’s a surreal feeling, one that I’m not sure I’ve ever recognized before, when you’re faced full on with sin, with satan, and you choose Jesus. I’ve never felt such a tangible feeling of safety and relief. Yet even knowing and believing fully that the step Jesus laid out for me was the right step to take, the danger of the untaken path still manages to hold temptation. It’s ridiculous, hard to imagine, and hard to explain. What it really seems to come down to is whether or not I (or you) see putting myself at our Savior’s feet as worth it, you know? It’s one thing to say that it is, but to actually live out, to actually make tangible decisions and take real (and often trembling) steps towards Him, in order to stay as close to Him as possible, is a completely different thing. I really want to challenge you, because I am also challenging myself, to look at the words you say, the people you listen to, and the actions you take, and line them up with His word. Do they line up? Does your day to day reality honor your covenant to belong to Jesus?
I’ve been pondering tonight, after worshiping to a song at church that is played often, the sweet reward of choosing the right path. The line that really hit me (from the song Fortress by Elevation Worship) is "And when the battle comes, I know You’re my defender a mighty fortress is our God. And when the victory’s won, I know I’ll still be standing, a mighty fortress is our God.” Let’s break down why that was so impactful to me, and so relevant to dealing with the tough, tempting choices life so often throws at you (at least life does that to me).
“And when the battle comes”=when the temptations come knocking, when the fear strikes, or when moving forward seems impossible
“I know You’re my defender”= King Jesus is actually fighting for us. For our hearts and on our behalves against sin. It’s our choice to stay on His side. To rest assured that He will be victorious, that He has always and will always win.
“And when the victory’s won”=He told us He’d win, each and every single time
“I know I’ll still be standing”=if we stay on His side, we’ll be left standing by His side in heaven. Sin and temptation and tough life decisions and fear cannot have the power to knock us down if we stay planted in The Lord’s actual promises to each of us.
Tonight, this song is extra sweet. It voiced so perfectly what I am praising King Jesus for over and over and over and over for right now. The promise that HE is our defender. That HIS ways are better and more joyful for us. That we will ALWAYS be kept SAFE with HIM, no matter how many times we run away, as long as we come back to him. There will never be a day when HIS side is not victorious. THAT is what is well with my soul. AMEN.
I’ll leave you with this tonight. It is what I am praying over myself and what I pray for each and every one of you. (Because if you’re like me, you’ve messed up once or twice or twenty times and you’re coming back, on your knees again, to rest in Jesus’s safe keeping.)
Sweet Father, may my weaknesses show your glory. May my scars declare your strength. You are everything I need.
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