An Explanation

I know that probably 2 people read this blog; my mom and the random person who stumbled upon it via google. I know that and yet still, I want to post. 

I’ve actually wanted to post on here for the past few months. It’s been nagging at me, kind of like the urge to go pee. It’s been constantly on my mind and I’ve known once I started posting again I would break through this invisible barrier in my mind, but for reasons unknown (side note:that’s a really good song by The Killer”s) I just didn’t try to write anything. 

Actually that reason is known. That reason is that barrier I just mentioned. That barrier was built up, layer by layer, out of fear. And that fear really just was the result of insecurities. Typing that out even brings up the same insecurities. The insecurity that someone, somewhere, possibly someone I know, will read this blog and think I’m crazy. That I write stuff with really bad sentence structure and that I write stuff that doesn’t make sense. So, for fear of this anonymous person’s judgment, I stopped posting. Because the truth is, sometimes I think I’m crazy too. I have this internal conflict over my realness on this blog. 

The whole vulnerability of it scares me. But then at the same time, I believe there’s beauty in honesty. And I wish people made more room for genuine honesty in their lives. So I’m making more room for it in mine. There’s love in the sacrifices made to be genuine. For me, that sacrifice looks like me getting over my earthly insecurities. I’m laying my fears at my cyber-altar, laying them down here so that I can free up my hands to type out what may be non-sensical to some, but what is always my best effort at coming to know my Author more deeply.

You see, my blogging here is always and foremost for the purpose of leaning into, growing in, and discovering more and more of this God-man named Jesus. This blog wasn’t created for me to just fill my piece of the inter-webs up with random noise. No, I created this here blog with the intent of it being a place to meet God. Meet with Him, meet to talk with and about Him. I like to think that no matter how small my efforts may appear to someone else, God, who knows my heart, knows that I am putting forth my honest and genuine effort to move my feet closer to His Kingdom. So that’s my explanation, mom and random stranger. 

While I’m at this whole explaining thing, I want to explain myself. Writing down the attributes and the characteristics and the pieces that make up who you are today I think is a good way to check your heart out. And in case someone besides my mom is indeed reading this, I want you to know a little more about the person behind all these black and white letters. 

First you should know, I’m a romantic and a feeler and a idealist. That’s a lethal combination, friends. That means I hope for the best. That means I love a good love story. That means I believe in everyone’s potential (thanks to grace). That means I give second and third and fourth and fifth chances inherently. It’s in my DNA to forget people’s damaging powers sometimes a little too quickly. That means I have a sensitive heart, which in turn causes me to be extra sensitive towards other people’s hearts. They say the way you make other people feel about themselves tells a lot about what kind of person you are, and I couldn’t agree more. I want to be the kind of person that makes people feel loved, respected, valued, and included. I want to make people feel like they are worth the love of Christ. Like they are created intentionally and that they play a valuable role in a part of a picture much, much bigger than themselves. I want to be the type of person that points people upward, not back at me. I know those are high, dreamy goals (I told you I’m an idealist right?) and I fail at them more times than I’d like to count, but they’re my aims none the less.

I’m an extroverted introvert. Which basically means I don’t know which one I am. I love love love being with people, but I prefer small groups over large ones and I also love spending an afternoon with just me and a good book. I see value in having a night to yourself but I also am always down for meeting up with someone, which leads to my next attribute...

One of my ultimate favorite hobbies (it really is a hobby to me) is talking to people. There is something so incredibly special about spending an hour or two digging yourselves deep into a conversation, whether it be over dinner or lunch or milkshakes or while walking or stargazing or fishing or tanning. Nothing gives you a better glimpse into someone’s heart, someone’s dreams, someone’s innermost workings than a good, old fashioned, face-to-face chat. It lights me up, that formation of a bond. People love to be heard too, it’s an interesting way to let someone know you care. To care enough to sit with them and just talk about your hopes and dreams and passions and visions and plans and pasts and near and far away futures is a beautiful, soul enriching thing.

I firmly believe that we are each intentionally created. That we are created out of love in order to love. I believe in being optimistic, because what’s the point in being negative when Jesus has already won the victory over all things negative. Nothing seems like a bigger waste of time to me than spending time hating, tearing down, or in any way belittling someone else. I’m totally guilty of falling into each of those action’s traps, but it’s a waste of time. As someone who has been on both sides of it, I shudder to think of the time I’ve wasted being any sort of hurtful towards my fellow human beings. 

Which reminds me, I’m a human being. I’ve messed up. Big time. Big mistakes. Dark stuff. Well, dark to me. Other people might laugh at the memories that make up my regrets, but comparison is a tricky little booger and I don’t like playing its game. But because I’ve done those things, because I’ve tasted sin first hand, I can sit here and honestly type out to you that God is real. That He is faithful. That He is full of love, not judgmental legalism. That on His path, the path that leads to HIs heart, the path I’m constantly in search of, life is still hard, people will still hurt you, you’ll still hurt people, you’ll have a poop ton of questions, you’ll still have doubts that will haunt you at some points, BUT God is in the thick of it. Proof of Him is in the highs and the lows, in the subtly answered prayers, in the people that you’ll meet that’ll love on you for no good reason,  in the perfectly timed refreshers, whether those refreshers be a cold glass of water, a really good movie, a moving book, or an inspiring person; the proof is always there. You just have to have the eyes to see it and the heart to accept it. And that’s my goal. To have the eyes to see and the heart to accept and the hands to give all that God has for me. 

So that’s a piece of me, typed out here for you to read. I hope reading that made you feel like you’re not alone in this mess of a world. I hope you feel loved. I hope you know that I’m only an email away if you want to talk to someone that’ll type back with lousy sentence structure. 

With love, 

Lou

Unashamed

Just the thought of living shame free gives me chills. The thought of genuine, heart felt and heart filled living lights me up. The idea of not being hindered by any sort of doubt or fear or imprisoning thought of insecurity...what a whimsical and fantastical and far away life that seems! But why? To live a life honoring Christ Jesus is the key that is handed to us on a wooden cross that allows us to live a shame-free life. 

That saying seems so churchy. It loses its meaning behind the churchy sounding lingo to me. “To live a life honoring Christ Jesus” has somehow become synonymous with living an organized and sensical and put-together and trendy life. Organized? That’s not me. Put-together? That’s not what this eighteen year old heart feels. Trendy? That’s not what this eighteen year old heart wants. 

I want thrills and adventures and journeys that take me to the ends of the earth, that introduce me to people who’s languages I’ve never even heard spoken. When did genuine and joy-filled, authentic living become the opposite of Christianity? 

The Bible is filled with stories of crazy happenings, of foreigners meeting, of long journeys with (at the time) unknown endings. Lives filled to the brim with suspense and with daring bravery. 

Living un-ashamed of the passions and dreams and visions of this heart seems to be the key to unlock this lively, daring, ever-changing and most fundamentally, Jesus centered life. 

If Jesus is the goal, if Jesus is the center, if Jesus is the purpose, then Jesus is the confidence and the boldness and the ability to live unashamed. To live life intentionally and in a way that will make an eternal difference for the kingdom of our great God, there’s no other way other than putting on the confidence of Jesus Christ himself and stepping these feet out in a direction pointing anywhere.

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul.

It.

My past. My mistakes. My successes. My journey.

My current. My everyday. The mundane, the energetic, the confusion.

My future. What is to come. What is yet to be. What is just around the corner.

The aches of growing. 

The tension in waiting.

The endurance of changing.

The fear of sitting apart. 

The vulnerability of friendships.

The gritty of learning.

The joy of expectancy. 

The relief of rest. 

It all. 

It is well with my soul. 

Because it is from Your own wisdom.

From Your own strength.

From Your own hands.

From Your own promises. 

From Your own faithfulness.

From Your own steadfast love.

One opportunity after another.

One chance given again and again.

To be taken by me.

To be chosen by me.

To be acted on by me.

To serve in You.

To sit with You.

To choose You. 

To lean into You.

To turn to You.

To grow in You.

To run to You.

All promised by You.

All to be fulfilled by You.

It is well with my soul, because of You.

*Psalm 84, 63, 27, 46*

Stretchers

I’m convinced that we all have people in our lives that are hard to put up with. Hard to love. I know that I most definitely do. These people are the ones that have wronged you so many times you can’t count the number of wrongs on your fingers and toes. The people that you have no reason to trust. The people that have GIANT and visible sins in their lives. The people that keep messing up over and over and over again. The people that have hurt you, that’ve cut you deep. The same people that don’t even want your help. They scoff in your face when you try to do the right thing and you just end up getting discouraged again and again. 

 Maybe that’s just me…but I know there are others out there. And if you don’t have anyone in your life that has challenged you in the way that you love them, then I hope that one day you are blessed with a (let’s call them) stretcher. Because stretchers make you grow and push you closer to Jesus by showing you more and more ways that God loves us. We don’t make it a walk in the park for him either (or in the garden…Garden of Eden…Genesis…too cheesy? haha).

 I heard this song tonight, by JJ Heller, called “If You Fall”…it has this one special line in it “Everything in me wants to run, but that’s not love”. Dude. Intense right? Filled a pothole in my heart. It’s so biblical right? Okay so we are created to reflect God right? And ideally we do that by living as much like Him as possible right? So that logic should be applied to every aspect of our lives, ESPECIALLY how we treat other people…how we treat everyone. How we l-o-v-e other people. How many verses in His Word can you count that talk about loving our neighbors…loving everyone as Christ loved us….loving people the way we love ourselves…there’s a lot isn’t there? So let’s look at how God loves us to shed some light on how we are to love everyone in our lives…even the ones that we cry over and stop telling people about because they get tired of hearing about how many times things don’t go well and that we pray about every night and try not to worry over.

 One of the first examples of seeing God’s love in action is in the garden of Eden. Go along with me here. Eve has just taken the apple from the snake, who told her that eating it would enlighten her to everything she did not yet know. She gives it to Adam too. They both eat it. They both realize they’re naked and cover themselves. Then, God comes to be with them, because he delights in being with his creation. But guess what? They hide from Him. They’re ashamed of themselves. Why? Because they picked an apple over God. Their tangible father. God had been flat out rejected. Dumped. Cheated on. What’s worse? He was dumped for His enemy. How awful of a feeling would that be? (Imagine your boyfriend, who you’re madly in love with, cheats on you with the one girl you absolutely do not like….yikes).

 But what did God do? Did he run away to make Himself feel better? Did he de-friend and block Adam and Eve on social networking sites? Did He give up? Did he grow bitter and resentful? THANK GOODNESS HE DIDN’T. Thank You, Lord, for not reacting to our betrayal, to my betrayal, the same way that I react when people hurt me.

 Guess what He did? He CHASED after them. Adam and Eve were hiding and God walked briskly. (imagine a dad who has lost their child at the mall.) He walked panicking trying to find them. He called out for them. He knew what they had done, He felt that hurt and sorrow but he still searched for them. While they were rejecting Him and turning away from Him, he kept trying to be with them. Ultimately he kept on trying to reach us and to bring us back to Him until he sent His perfect son to die in our place so that we could be with him eternally.

 

So what does this mean for me? For our lives? How about it means we don’t run out on people just because they wronged us? We don’t run out on people just because they made or are still making mistakes. Loving someone, which is what we are called to do towards everyone around us, means putting them above ourselves. What does that look like? When we’re in pain, when we’re annoyed, when we feel bitter, we shove those feelings at God, we let Him know that they are there, and we push towards better loving that person. Sometimes you have to put their salvation above your own comfort, your own pride. Now, loving someone can and does look different for everyone and in all situations, but please don’t use that as a cop out for abandoning someone that needs you and your love. Allow yourself to feel the toughness of loving a stretcher. Let those people show you how much you need Jesus, and how undeserving of His love we are, and what His intention for our lives is. Keep chasing after those people because that is what love does. That’s what God does for everyone…me and you included. Reflect that biblical love today. I mean God’s relentless pursuit is the gospel is it not? So let’s be a walking version of the gospel for those stretchers today. Your love could impact their hearts more than you could know. You, reflecting God to them, could be God's way of bringing them back to His arms. 

There's more

Lent is officially upon us y'all! We've got our toes in the water of this holy season.
 A little fun fact about me; I was raised in an Episcopalian church. For those of you that weren't (basically everyone under the age of 50), the Episcopalian church is as far traditional as you can get on a protestant "contemporary to traditional" scale. The next stop is the Catholic church. It is very centered around liturgies and every service is almost like a ceremony. It's very regal and entrancing to watch, but until the age of 15 I just wasn't understanding or feeling any Jesus from the services, so I started going to a Methodist church down the street. Now, all that to say, I was raised with Lent as a part of life. It's just as natural as the Christmas season or my birthday season (let's face it: there's major hype the week or so leading up to our birthdays, am I right?). So when I started going to a methodist church on Sunday nights, I did not expect for Lent to be a foreign word and season for 90% of the people attending. However, I just kept on doing what I was raised doing.
Each year, Lent rolls around, and I give up one or two or three things, and maybe tack on something that I want to add to my Lenten "resolutions". But daog-on my heart was NOT feeling that dreaded sacrifice this year. It really hit me that I was simply going through the motions. I had checked into the crowd of just giving up stuff and not pointing any of it back to Jesus. So I started to look into what Lent is really meant to be. More than that, why people originally started to sacrifice from or to add to their daily lives.
Guess what?! IT'S MORE THAN JUST MAKING A NEW SET OF RESOLUTIONS. So often, and this is pointed at my own heart too, I just feel like Lent turns into a competition of who can give up the most, or who can make what they're giving up sound like the absolute h-a-r-d-e-s-t sacrifice they could possibly dream of making. Some even have lists that are a mile long of what they're imposing on themselves until Easter. Each time, I just can't help but tell God "I'm sorry this is how Lent is. I know You want more than this."
So first, let's talk about a few things Lent is not. Lent is not meant to be "Round 2" of making New Year's Resolutions. Lent is not meant to be a season of whining about what you gave up. Lent is not when you give up something that doesn't even have a large impact on your life (kinda like if I gave up Hershey's kisses, I don't like them so I stay away from them anyways, do you get what I'm saying?). Finally, Lent is NOT for bragging on yourself.
Now, that was nice and therapeutic, but let's talk about what Lent IS. The good stuff. The Jesus filled stuff.
Lent is a HOLY season. Lent is a time period to reflect on what Jesus did for us. Lent is what leads up to when Jesus took ALL of EVERYONE'S sins and threw them away. So Lent gives us room to realize the weight of our sins...to realize that Jesus was and is our only hope and our only chance at eternal life. Lent is a season to put yourself closer to Jesus. Everything that Lent symbolizes should draw us closer to Jesus's feet. Lent is an annual season, an annual reminder, an annual "Hey let's just lay here in the presence of our King and worship him for who He is". And that is the point, the reason, of why we make sacrifices from, or add on to our daily lives. To draw us nearer to Jesus. To put our focus more clearly on Him. So giving up something that doesn't really stand in your way is pointless, aside from giving you something to say when people ask what you are doing for Lent. The other half of that is giving up an excessive amount of things, which is totally great if those things are separating you from Jesus, but if they're not then again, they're basically New Year's Resolutions and probably giving you a sense of pride. Along with that is giving up half way. If you give up something that is keeping you from sitting with Jesus, GREAT that's GOOD!, but then you see another thing in your life and you think to yourself "Well I'm not going to give that up too...then I'll be bored all the time!" or "I could never give that up" or "I cannot imagine giving that up." then maybe that is exactly what you should be giving up. Whatever feels impossible to do without, or like you could never let go of, that is a worldly object that you are putting more value in than your relationship with our Maker.
 I just want to challenge you to really ask God to show you the deep areas of your heart or of your life that you might not even realize are there, but that you are really putting way too much value in. I just pray for each and every one of us, myself include, that we would use this Lent season to really and truly recommit ourselves to Jesus. To remember who He is and what He did and why He did it, that that may bring us to a point of pure awe and worship, that we would be blinded by his GOODNESS and GLORY and just praise him for who He is over and over and over again, until we're out of words and can only feel it in our hearts. AMEN.



**Here's a link to She Reads Truth, a stinking AWESOME devotional website, and the introduction to their Lent study. They're words are so much wiser than mine, so you should really click to read what they have to say http://shereadstruth.com/2015/02/17/jesus-keep-near-cross/ **

Choosing to sit at Jesus's feet

I’ve been in struggling through a season lately. It’s been a unique  kind of struggle. Almost an out-of-body-expereince kind of struggle, you know? 

A few months ago, one particular choice arose in my life, and i made the wrong decision. I felt and dealt with the consequences of that choice. (It’s crazy the choices you can make that you never would’ve thought you’d make.) It is one humbling experience, when you are forced to come face to face with the dark corners of your heart, the places you don’t even realize are there. I’ve been in a season of learning, of having my eyes focused on those dark places of my heart, of wrestling with Jesus over things and people that I didn’t want to give up, all the while feeling Him gently nudging me to let them go. To readjust my focus and grip to Him. 

Then, I thought I was in the clear. I decided I had learned my lesson, that I was good. (It’s funny how often I can convince myself that I can fit God’s lessons and plans in a tiny little box…) Needless to say, out of the blue, those dark corners started getting more attention again. All of a sudden, I was faced with the SAME decision that I had chosen wrongly on just a few short months beforehand. Literally the exact same choice! The ironic part? I was actually torn over what to do this time. When if you had asked me a week beforehand, far removed from the situation, I would’ve confidently told you “I’ll never do that again”, at this point, knee deep in the situation, I wanted to give it another chance. I fully understood what the right thing to do was, but the wrong choice was just oh-so tempting. I wanted to play with fire, but this time I would hold the fire a little farther away to see if I could avoid getting burnt (you’re welcome for the lame reference to proverbs). 

But something was different this time. I just could not avoid the truth of the situation. I spent 5 days in a full fledged wrestling match with Jesus. I was coming to Him looking for, practically begging for an excuse to go against His word. The previous time, I was avoiding Him at all costs, because I knew I was making a mistake. This time, I was putting myself at His feet. I wanted to be close to Him. I chose to stay at His feet. I chose to be faithful to the covenant I made with him a few years ago. I decided to take another shaky step towards His voice, begging Him to be worth it. I dodged a bullet y’all. It’s a surreal feeling, one that I’m not sure I’ve ever recognized before, when you’re faced full on with sin, with satan, and you choose Jesus. I’ve never felt such a tangible feeling of safety and relief. Yet even knowing and believing fully that the step Jesus laid out for me was the right step to take, the danger of the untaken path still manages to hold temptation. It’s ridiculous, hard to imagine, and hard to explain. What it really seems to come down to is whether or not I (or you) see putting myself at our Savior’s feet as worth it, you know? It’s one thing to say that it is, but to actually live out, to actually make tangible decisions and take real (and often trembling) steps towards Him, in order to stay as close to Him as possible, is a completely different thing. I really want to challenge you, because I am also challenging myself, to look at the words you say, the people you listen to, and the actions you take, and line them up with His word. Do they line up? Does your day to day reality honor your covenant to belong to Jesus?

I’ve been pondering tonight, after worshiping to a song at church that is played often, the sweet reward of choosing the right path. The line that really hit me (from the song Fortress by Elevation Worship) is "And when the battle comes, I know You’re my defender a mighty fortress is our God. And when the victory’s won, I know I’ll still be standing, a mighty fortress is our God.” Let’s break down why that was so impactful to me, and so relevant to dealing with the tough, tempting choices life so often throws at you (at least life does that to me). 

“And when the battle comes”=when the temptations come knocking, when the fear strikes, or when moving forward seems impossible  

“I know You’re my defender”= King Jesus is actually fighting for us. For our hearts and on our behalves against sin. It’s our choice to stay on His side. To rest assured that He will be victorious, that He has always and will always win.

“And when the victory’s won”=He told us He’d win, each and every single time

“I know I’ll still be standing”=if we stay on His side, we’ll be left standing by His side in heaven. Sin and temptation and tough life decisions and fear cannot have the power to knock us down if we stay planted in The Lord’s actual promises to each of us.

Tonight, this song is extra sweet. It voiced so perfectly what I am praising King Jesus for over and over and over and over for right now. The promise that HE is our defender. That HIS ways are better and more joyful for us. That we will ALWAYS be kept SAFE with HIM, no matter how many times we run away, as long as we come back to him. There will never be a day when HIS side is not victorious. THAT is what is well with my soul. AMEN. 

I’ll leave you with this tonight. It is what I am praying over myself and what I pray for each and every one of you. (Because if you’re like me, you’ve messed up once or twice or twenty times and you’re coming back, on your knees again, to rest in Jesus’s safe keeping.) 

Sweet Father, may my weaknesses show your glory. May my scars declare your strength. You are everything I need. 

Wealth

Tonight my heart is feeling the weight of the pain and the hardships that is shared by too many people. I feel so heavy and yet i know my mind only comprehends and recognizes a sliver of what i have n-e-v-e-r been exposed to. Of what I have been protected from…but what about those with no protection? I find myself waging an internal battle between thoughts of anger and being too quick to assume and pronounce that those who struggle are less fortunate than I, and between thoughts of realization that just because I have a roof over my head, and a car, and too many clothes, and such an easy life that my biggest physical struggle is keeping my room tidy, does n-o-t mean I am more fortunate. They say “some people are so poor that all they have is money.” What if there are people struggling with battles I literally cannot imagine? What if those same people have the faith that can and does move mountains? They might not have cars and heat on cold nights and scarves upon scarves to choose from on a cold day, but what’s the eternal measurement of wealth? Scarves or life-depending, completely surrendered faith? What’s the true definition of fortune? What’s the greater value? An easy life or the faith that Jesus will r-e-c-o-g-n-i-z-e upon our deaths? What would I rather have? The satisfaction of keeping up with the material world or the knowledge and protection of Jesus? What if the “safety” and “protection” I’ve been given isn’t actually protection or safety at all? What if I have become so comfortable and content in my safety-net of materialism and acceptance that I have avoided looking into the eyes of the needy and the broken and the desperate and the meek? That I have brushed off to someone else what Jesus Himself doesn’t call just “someone else” to do? That I have chosen comfort over faith? What brings Jesus the most glory?